Happy New Year's Resolutions

I can't believe another year has gone by. Where does the time go? I guess it's like my father always told me, it's a sign of age when the years start going by fast.

I had been going through my posts on this blog and one thing struck me above all others: I can't believe how negative some of my posts sound. The people who read this must wonder why I am in the scene at all since it seems like I get no enjoyment out of spanking. This isn't true in the least but I couldn't blame anyone for feeling that way. So one of my New Year's resolutions is going to be to find something positive to post about more often. I think it's human nature that we often study the negative more than the positive. And there is so much to be positive about with the spanking scene. I have met so many new people this past year, people who are enthusiastic about being in the scene. I admit that at times I am ambivalent about it. Then it takes meeting a new spanking friend or going to a really fun party to snap me out of it. But with the advent of the Internet, people are meeting and getting active in the scene where before they might have just left it a fantasy. I just wish the Internet had come along when I was 21 or so. Imagine the fun we would have had if it had come along sooner?
So one of my resolutions is going to be to find positive things to post about more often. I was going to say every day, but I think when making resolutions one should be realistic.
So look forward to seeing more positive posts from me in the near future. I am very sorry it's been a month since I last posted. I have been very busy (I work retail and this time of year is very busy) but I promise not to neglect my blog so badly.
I have another birthday coming up (it's on New Year's Eve so you can imagine I have had some fun birthdays!) and I am so very glad to be here to celebrate another one.
I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and I wish you all a very Happy and Healthy New Year!

Love,
Cigi

What I'm Thankful For

Just wanted to take a moment today to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for this year (and every year) and you can bet I won't forget to go to The Source and say a sincere "Thank you" for everything I have.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I liked Christmas when the season started the day after Thanksgiving, not before Halloween. I think I liked Christmas a lot better before "door buster" and "early bird" sales that required me to get out of bed on a cold morning at an ungodly hour. So Thanksgiving, with it's connections to family and friends (not to mention food) has always been my favorite.
This year I do have a lot to be thankful for. My home, my family and friends, living another year to celebrate Thanksgiving. But I also have my spanking friends to be thankful for. Without you, I would never be able to take this fantastic voyage of discovery. A mere five years ago, I still thought I would never get to indulge this side of myself. I thought spanking was something I was destined to always just fantasize about; that I would never know the thrill of being over someone's knee, with my panties down, getting that spanking I so desperately wanted.
So I wanted to take a moment to say a sincere and heartfelt "Thank You" to anyone who might be reading this who has supported me, helped me or spanked me throughout the last five years. I have learned so much and I am so very thankful to all of you.
Thanks to you I have lived what I only dreamed about before. You have brought me happiness and I hope I have returned the favor.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

When It's Over

If I have learned anything since becoming active in the scene, it's that we are first and foremost, people. Before we are anything else, we are human beings. Misunderstandings still occur and feelings can still be hurt, no matter how much two people might like each other or how long they have known each other.
Recently, one of the very first Tops I ever met in the spanking scene, ended our friendship. I am still confused and hurt over this and I am still trying to figure out why this happened.
He has always been a little bit of a diva. Appearances were everything and it always had to be about him. We played on his schedule, when it was convenient for him, or when the whim struck him. I wouldn't hear from him for weeks and then poof! He would get the itch to play and just expect me to be available. If my work schedule didn't allow that, he would pout for a few weeks and then I wouldn't hear from him again until he got over it. Now, when we did get together to play, he pampered me beyond belief with dinners or lunches and chocolate. Once he bought me a new keyboard for my computer for my birthday because I didn't have the money for it and he missed our chats. And he had some lovely toys that I absolutely loved.
Lately, however, I was noticing a change in his behavior. He had suggested getting together for my birthday (which is on New Year's Eve) but I had told him I had no idea what my work schedule would be. Granted, it took me a few days to answer his email. Everyone who knows me knows if they write me they can expect to wait a few days for an answer. It's not me being rude, it's just that every day I can receive between 100 and 150 emails and I have to sort through them. If I get a day behind, which is usually what happens, then it takes even longer for me to respond. But he wrote me a few days later accusing me of ignoring his email and his generous offer. I wrote him back that he has known me for almost five years and he knows how long it takes for me to go through my emails. I wasn't ignoring his email but I didn't yet have an answer for him. Now, let me clarify that we had a spanking thing going on. We were never romantically involved, and he certainly wasn't my Dom. We were friends who enjoyed getting together for play. Well, when I wrote him again and told him I had no idea what my schedule would be since it was about two months away, imagine my shock when he said a bunch of mean things about me and then had the audacity to tell me "don't contact me again". I would write him back just to get the last word but I know he would just delete the email without reading it, so why bother? This last email just confirmed in my mind what I had really always known: he hadn't really taken the time to get to know me. I was just a bottom for him to spank when the urge hit.
So, when it's over what do you do? You go out there and find someone else to play with. Even though my feelings are hurt and I am afraid of being hurt like this again, you still have to take that chance. But I will approach this all differently from now on and I will take the time to really get to know the people I currently play with. If he just wanted a bottom to spank why didn't he just get a blow up doll or something? That way, she could be available all the time and he wouldn't feel obligated to buy her dinner or anything.
So lesson learned: even after five years, how much to do you really know someone? You only know what someone lets you find out. I always knew this man was not the same person I was. For one thing, he was always throwing his college education in my face. Not in a mean way, but he just always made sure I knew he had two degrees and a better job than I had. In fact, everything he had was better than what I had. In his mind, that made him a better person than me.
I know I should be very sad that he is no longer in my life, but I have to say it was almost a blessing. He could no longer hide his superior attitude and I could no longer hide how much it hurt my feelings. We were just bound to drift apart.
That's why I always say be honest about what your needs are. If he had told me "I only play when the mood hits me. I'm not a 24/7 spanko" it would have made a difference. I probably would have still gotten together with him, but I wouldn't have invested five years in a friendship with him. I just wish it hadn't taken five years for me to realize I wasn't his type of bottom and he wasn't really what I was looking for in a top. But I thought we were more than just a bottom and a top. I thought we were friends and we probably were. I just didn't see that he was looking to end his friendship with me (probably because he either found someone closer to home or more his "speed") and he would use any excuse to do it.
So when it's over don't be afraid to get back out there and meet new people. I am having a lot of fun looking for new people to play with. Life marches on so don't waste one precious day of it having regrets or being sorry. Take your memories with you when you leave and remember them fondly, but whatever else you do, please move on. I know he has.

"Bad Little Girl" (and other nonsense)

I was going through some old emails the other day (I printed out every email I ever received in my early days in the scene) and one phrase permeates a few of them: "bad little girl". In those early days, I would blush at the thought that an over 40 woman could be a "little girl" of any kind, much less a bad one. Now, when I see that phrase, it really makes me angry. I think the phrase angers me so much because of the punishment conotations; someone decided for me that they were in charge and would decide when I was a "bad little girl" in need of a spanking. At first, when someone would post a message to one of the groups I belonged to saying I was a "bad little girl", I would just protest and proclaim I was an angel. Now, the phrase rankles me to the point where it is almost an insult especially if the guy doesn't know "me", but simply my reputation as a brat. Now, when I'm playing I don't mind being called "young lady" or "Missy" or something, but I hate anything that starts with the adjective "little"; "little girl" or "little one" anger me. And I hate it when someone asks me, while playing, "Is this what bad little girls get?" or some other such nonsense. I have nothing against those who like those little scoldings, but if you're a Top ask if this is a desire or not. There are those of us out there who don't like it. This is usually coming from someone who wouldn't spank a real life "bad little girl" because he doesn't believe in spanking children. Well, if you don't believe in spanking children (for whatever reason) why are you spanking me and calling me a "bad little girl"? I can't explain it but as soon as I hear "bad little girl" or some version of it, the scene is usually ruined for me. I have told the people I play with that I just get spanked for fun. I am not a "bad little girl" and I don't get spanked for punishment. Most have been understanding. But there are still a few who persist in believing a 40+ year old woman can somehow be a "bad little girl". Now, I don't know about anyone else, but I don't have an inner child who needs to be spanked, nurtured, held accountable, or punished for being "bad". I am a grown woman and I demand to be treated that way, even when I'm over someone's knee getting a spanking. Another thing I think is absolutely ridiculous is standing in the corner. I will not do it for anyone. Now, as I always say, I have nothing against those who enjoy this, but for me, it's just too humiliating and would ruin what might otherwise be a very fun scene. Just another case of "different strokes for different folks". What I might find horrible and humiliating, another bottom might find fun. In fact, I know many bottoms who enjoy corner standing. I am just not one of them. In fact, I am not a fan of any behavior where a man has decided he's in charge and I will just do what he says. If, while we're playing, he scolds me by saying, "You've been a very naughty girl and now I have to spank you to help you remember not to be naughty", he will be met by a very loud "YAWNNNNNN". That tells him to go a different direction. Play should always be fun for both participants. If only one person is having fun it's time to speak up and I have no problem with that. Keep it fun and I can play all day! :)

Spanking: Male vs. Female

Having just returned from a very fun party, there are a few things about the spankings I received last weekend that have stuck in my mind.

When I went to my first party, in fact my first few parties, I swore I would never enjoy being spanked by another woman. I naively thought if people knew I played with women they would think I was a lesbian. I had a lot to learn.

I discovered at about my fourth party that I enjoy being spanked by women. For one thing, after a day of getting pummelled by big, strong male Tops, it was nice to get a nice, relaxing spanking from a woman. Not that women can't or don't spank hard; they do. But I have yet to come across a woman who can spank as hard as a man. I'm sure they are out of there, but that is not the reason I play with women.

In my experience, women tend to be more nurturing and "motherly", especially when spanking another woman. They are more apt to offer aftercare and want you to stay around and talk afterwards. I love having "girl talk" while my favorite female top spanks me.

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a spanking from a strong man the best. But I enjoy spankings from women for other reasons. A spanking from a woman has different sensations than the spanking a man might give you. For one thing, women usually have smaller hands, which makes for a different feel. Even toys have a different sensation when used by women vs. men. So now, I have no problem accepting that offer to play from a woman. I remember the first time a woman turned me over her knee. The sensation of being over a woman's knee was new and unfamiliar. But she was patient with me and I could tell she was used to being in charge. She didn't skimp on the warm up and she unloaded her entire toy bag on me, buggy whip and all. At first I was afraid of this instrument. But the sting was delightful and the marks it left were very pretty. The same toy in a man's hands feels very different. I will never forget that woman for introducing me (in the most wonderful way possible) to being spanked by another woman. There was nothing sexual about it and no one accused me of being a lesbian. Those were misconceptions I had in my own mind. Ones that I had to disabuse myself of. So, I still love spanking from men the best, but there are a few women who, if they ask me to play, I don't turn them down. On Saturday night, just as I was beginning to get sleepy, my favorite female top asked me to play. It was perfect timing as I was getting ready to head to bed. She gave me the most wonderful spanking and sent me off to bed with a glowing, warm bottom. We talked for about an hour after we were done playing. Just talking about everything...spanking, life, religion, etc. She is a wonderful friend and a good spanker. Although spanking by another woman isn't everyone's cup of tea, I am not sorry I decided to "go there". I think when we start out on this journey, we all have something that is taboo; something we say we will absolutely never do. Getting spanked by another woman was mine. And I had decided for stupid reasons that this wasn't going to happen. I let my own misconceptions and preconceived notions keep from me from enjoying something that has been very satisfying for me emotionally. I'm not advocating doing something you know would be damaging to you emotionally or physically and I'm not suggesting that someone "talked me into" doing this thing I said I would never do. It's just that curiosity got the best of me and I'm very glad it did.

Post Party Let Down

First of all, I'm really sorry I haven't written for a while. Having a busy work schedule and (for once) a hectic social life has kept me from blogging as often as I'd like.

Just got back from a spanking party in Chicago. I met a lot of new people and got reconnected with old friends. I even got to play with a Top I hadn't seen for three years. His spanking skills were amazing...just like I remembered them. Playing with him was the highlight of my weekend. I also got to watch my ride give another girl a few strokes with a switch when we stopped at a rest stop. Then, when he was done with her, it was my turn. I was the only one with the guts to drop my pants...don't worry, we made sure we weren't seen. It was so much fun meeting the new people. They are the future of the club so we all want to make sure they have a good time. I was particularly happy to meet Purple Angel at this party, her first. She seemed to have a great time although we really didn't get to talk much. Every time I saw her in the party suite, she had a big smile on her face. She made sure I got a candy cane (an in joke), and she made sure to let me know what a great time she was having. But, like all party weekends, this one went too fast. There just wasn't enough time in the weekend to play with everyone and do all the things I'd planned. But I spent the whole weekend high on endorphins and when the weekend is over and it's time to go back to work, I sometimes find myself feeling a bit let down, almost depressed. This time I landed with a thud; it was a rude awakening to say the least. Even after almost five years of going to spanking parties, I still haven't come across a "cure" for this feeling. Perhaps just playing again helps, or chatting with friends who were there. If anyone knows how to lessen these feelings, please let me know. I'll post more about the party later. Everyone have a great day! :)

Spanking Videos

What is it about spanking videos that just does it for us? For some, I suppose it's the "I'll show you who's in charge" aspect of it. For some, it's the sexy "I'm doing this because I care" aspect of others. But what about people like me for whom spanking is neither punishment nor a necessary part of our sexuality? What about those of us who just get spanked because it's so much fun? I'm not denying that spanking is sexual for me. But I like to keep the two separated. I don't get spanked so I can function sexually. I can have sex without spanking. So, for me at least, this isn't a fetish in the strictest sense.

It is very hard to find videos that don't offend me on some level. Let me explain that. Some of the punishment videos have unnecessary and gratuitous nudity. I know, I know...in punishment, being naked adds to the humiliation. And let's face it, what guy doesn't like seeing a naked girl? Well, I don't watch videos to enjoy the humiliation of others and I don't watch to see naked girls. I watch to be entertained. The "romantic" videos always have their share of butt plugs, vibrators and digital penetration. I don't watch spanking vids to get my porn fix, either. If I wanted to watch porn, I would simply buy porn.

When I purchase a spanking video I am looking for at least half-way plausible scenarios and well done spanking. I have several videos where I have asked, "Did they just pick someone off the streets and offer them money? This idiot doesn't have the slightest idea what he's doing."

I even have one video that a friend sent me that I can't even watch because the guy doing the "spanking" is just a butcher. During the caning part of the tape, he landed several right across this poor girl's tailbone. I watched it once or twice and it just makes me retch so I don't watch it anymore. So in my opinion it is hard to find videos that completely satisfy. Something is always missing or just a little bit wrong.

I do enjoy Shadow Lane videos. I mean, the ones without the butt plugs, vibrators, digital penetration and "hot girl on girl action". Shadow Lane has shown for about the last twenty years that they care about quality and it always shows in their videos. Eve Howard takes the time to dress her actors and actresses beautifully and make sure the sets are dressed nicely, too. You won't see some cheesy hotel room with shag carpeting in a Shadow Lane video. Even though they concentrate more on the "punishment" aspect of spanking, most of the time they come pretty close to the mark. The people in the videos all seem like they are where they want to be and are having fun.

About five years ago, when I first became active in the scene, I was asked if I would ever do a video. At the time, my answer was an emphatic "No!" I would never want anything out there with me getting spanked that anyone I didn't want to might see. Now, I might change my answer. For many years, in spanking videos all we saw were cute, young, thin co-ed types getting spanked. It was as if the companies were all telling us "If you wear a bigger size and have too many candles on your birthday cake you can forget about playing in the scene. No one wants you!" Now, I have been happy to see a slow change coming about in the spanking video industry. I recently purchased several Shadow Lane videos that featured women who were more, shall we say, representative of the average woman in the scene. They were still young but they were larger women. It shows me that they are trying to tell people "Guess what? You don't have to be cute, thin and 21 to play. Older people and those of us who don't look like Nicole Kidman can find our place in the scene, too."

For me, watching a spanking video helps me get my spanking fix between play dates and parties. It used to be my only outlet before I got active in the scene. It isn't about having something to masturbate with or getting off watching some stud make a poor girl strip naked and then submit to punishment. I just like the sights and sounds of spanking and, when I can't play all the time, spanking videos fill the void.

I would be hard pressed to pick a favorite. The ones I have all have their pluses and minuses. And my tastes have changed over the years. What I really liked to watch five or six years ago, I no longer enjoy. Some I thought were so-so back then are more entertaining now. I think that is good, too. I'd be interested in hearing from some of you about what your favorite spanking video is or if you even think there is a place for them. I just know that spanking videos do fill a void that, fortunately, doesn't have to be filled too often.

Finding Spanking Partners

One of the groups I belong to received a message from a frustrated man who lives out west and can't seem to find any spanking partners. I really felt his frustration but I had to wonder how he goes about trying to find people.
The one thing I had to do right from the start was give up my notion that I would find anyone local. I just knew there couldn't be too many people in my city who were into spanking. And those who were were probably staying pretty quiet about it. So I joined a spanking group in the largest city in my state (which happens to be Chicago) and started reading the message board there. I met people at my first party and made contacts. I went to the members list and tried to find interesting people there. This is where an empty profile really can work against you. In the effort to try to remain anonymous, you give no information at all that let's potential play partners know you are even interested. I view people who won't give any information as trolls who are either after the email addresses of women and are just looking for sex, or who are paranoid that giving any information at all will allow vanilla friends, family or co-workers to find out who they are. In order to meet people in this scene, you have to roll the dice and take a few chances. I'm not talking about taking stupid chances and putting yourself at risk. I mean, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and say "I am into spanking and looking for others who are like me."
The Yahoo groups I belong to all have thousands of members. Some look interesting, some I take a pass on. When you find someone who you think fits what you might be looking for, it costs nothing to drop a line and say "I saw your Yahoo profile and thought you sounded interesting. Would it be ok to chat?" If you get a reply, things go from there.
I have the feeling this frustrated spanker has his expectations set a little on the high side. You have to keep your expectations realistic. I mean how many women who look like Samantha Woodley are actually in the scene? Most of us are middle aged and our bodies aren't perfect. If you expect that kind of perfection, join Shadow Lane and see if you have any luck with their video performers.
Another unrealistic expectation is that some people expect a woman to just drop what she's doing and meet someone on a moment's notice. This just isn't going to happen. You should expect to have a few online chats, emails and even phone conversations before someone agrees to meet you and, even then, you shouldn't automatically expect to play. You should expect to meet at a neutral sight for a long conversation about what you both want. If she won't agree to play then, be patient. Make plans to meet again. When a woman sees that you're willing to be patient, it makes all the difference in the world.
I have health issues that severely curtail my driving abilities so whoever wants to play with me has to drive to me, I can't go to them. And I still have no problem finding spanking partners. Now, I grant you, none of them are really what I would call local, but if you want to play you have to be willing to drive some distance, perhaps to another state even. And you have to be willing, as a gentleman, to make concessions for a lady if you want to spank her. For one thing, she will probably want to take her safety into account and have a safe call in place. She may even want another friend in the scene to be present. She may want to play at a neutral sight (such as a friend's house or a hotel) rather than let a complete stranger know where she lives. If you are willing to make a few concessions (even if it inconveniences you a little) you will have better luck finding people than if you make a bunch of unreasonable demands or have unrealistic expectations of what a spankee should be or do. Above all, earn each other's trust and never, ever violate that trust. I speak from personal experience. Once someone violates your trust it is very, very hard to win it back. So just don't go there anyway. Become friends before anything else happens. If you're looking for something romantic and she's just looking for fun spanking partners, then that needs to be addressed, of course. Trust, honesty and respect of self and others is very important to me and I believe it's important to most of us.
I believe another reason this person is having a hard time finding someone to play with is that maybe he's not being entirely truthful about what he's looking for. If you want to find people who are fun to play with and who are on the same page as you are, you are going to have to be honest about what you're looking for.
I remember one time I was going through the members list of a group I belong to with a friend of mine. I came to a certain man who said he enjoyed giving and receiving enemas. I looked at the picture of this clean cut and ordinary-looking man and said, "That's gross!" My friend, much more enlightened perhaps than I, replied, "At least he's being honest about what he's into." She was right.

First Party

As I have a spanking party coming up at the end of October that I'm going to, I have been thinking about my party memories a lot.
I have several regular play partners I get together and play with, so it's not like I only get to play at parties. But the party scene is different and I find myself getting very excited about the upcoming party and then that makes me remember past parties even more fondly.
I have met some really wonderful people at these parties. I have also met some really horrible ones. And I've met some people I consider dangerous.
At my first party, I sort of walked around with I'm sure this goofy smile on my face; a look that just screamed "I'm a newbie". Fortunately, there were several women there who took me under their wings and helped me out a great deal. I was introduced to arnica at that first party and, believe me, I needed it. My first party spanking turned out to be as disappointing as my first private spanking. The guy who spanked me was perhaps a poor choice but he paid my party fee so I felt I owed him the honor of being first. That was my first big mistake. He was not only a Dom, but a master. Someone who was used to women kneeling at his feet and calling him "Master". He knew I wasn't submissive and I wouldn't be doing that but he did tell me, "When you're ready for your spanking come and ask me for it."
I looked him right in the face and said, "Yeah, right."
I think that was a mistake, to roll my eyes at him and say something sarcastic. I had no idea how seriously this guy took his role as Master. But I found out. I watched a few girls getting spanked publicly and I couldn't stand it anymore. I found him in another room and I walked up to him and said, "Are you ready to spank me?" I think he expected me to say something like, "Oh Sir, will you kindly spank me now?" or something like that. I don't think he appreciated how casually I took this. The first thing he did was make sure I was comfortable over his lap, which was monumental. The guy was huge; about 6'4" and about 230 lbs. I couldn't believe I was letting this behemoth spank me. The spanking began on my jeans. Since it was January I was perhaps excused, as keeping warm was more important than easy access to my bottom. The spanking began with a pretty nice warm up, but I think he was just lulling me into a false sense of security. Once he asked me to take my jeans down, all bets were off. Those first few parties, I wore panties with a thong underneath to preserve my modesty. He asked if he could take down my thong, saying "your bottom's not completely bare if you're still wearing a thong". I told him, "My bottom is bare enough for what you need it for. The thong stays where it is." I believe what followed was "punishment", first for not asking for my spanking in a more demure manner and secondly for refusing to let him take my thong down. To use spanking party jargon, he "toasted" me; that is he caused enough damage that I would need to "rest" for about two hours before I could play again. He spanked my thighs as hard as he spanked my bottom and I had to "yellow" him several times. He gave me a spanking befitting his massive size and strength.This all took place in public and no one chided him for spanking me the way he did until it was over. I had no idea but the President of the club and a few board members were watching. They disliked this guy to begin with and I think now they disliked him even more. I never saw him at another party. I couldn't articulate my feelings then, but now I think he was simply showing off for his audience, showing them what he did to newbies who didn't act submissive enough.
To make up for that horrible first spanking (after which a couple of the women took me to a room and introduced me to arnica, which really works by the way), one of the men told me, "When you're done resting come and find me and I'll show you how he should have really spanked you."
When I was done resting I did indeed seek this man out, and he introduced me to the delights of the "sensuous" spanking. Now I'm not talking about sexual or erotic, I mean just a nice "sensation" spanking where I learned about all the sensations of spanking. I learned I loved leather and I got my first caning at this party. I have loved the cane ever since. So the good at this party far outweighed the bad. I don't know if he never came to another party out of choice or he was asked not to come back, but whatever the reason, he hasn't been back. I always tell new girls to pick their first party spanker with care. This is true even if you've been playing for a while but this is your first party. That first spanker can (and often does) influence greatly how you feel about parties. I sight my own experience as an example of how NOT to pick that first spanker. Luckily, he didn't ruin the party scene for me. And, even luckier, a real gentleman came along and showed me how it should really be done. I will always thank this man for this. A girl's first party is very important. No matter how many years pass, I still remember most of it like it was yesterday, a sign that fun was had despite how horrible my first spanking had been.
I liken that first party to a smorgasbord. I wanted to try a little of everything and I did. I found out alot about what I liked and didn't like, with both toys and tops.
While I have never been as nervous and excited as I was for that first party, I still get giddy and excited a few weeks before a party, wondering who is going to be there and who I'll play with. Spanking parties are about so much more than spanking, though. Much conversation is had as we can talk openly about it with like minded people. I enjoy the fellowship and camaraderie almost as much as I enjoy the spanking.
I'm getting really excited about this party! :)

Public or Private?

My friend, Purple Angel, is going to her first spanking party at the end of the month. I am so happy and excited for her because I remember my first spanking party, in January, 2003. It seems like yesterday to me. I can't believe it's been almost five years!

She brought up a good point about being spanked in public (in the party room with people watching) vs. being spanked in private, that is in either hers or his private hotel room.

There are other factors to consider rather than just being seen bare bottomed by a roomful of people vs. being seen by just the person spanking you. I'll address those later.

For me, getting spanked in the public party room is a hoot; great fun for everyone. I am sort of a show off and great big ham. I love nothing better than taking a spanking in front of these people, most of whom I've been playing with for years. They have all seen my bottom bare many, many times and I have never been embarrassed to have my bare bottom seen.

A public spanking is fun for everyone, the participants and the observers. There are rules for watching someone get a spanking in public. They are not allowed to "coach" the spanker or become involved with the spanking itself or otherwise put their hands (or anything else) on the spankee. One time, when I was taking a rather intense bare bottom spanking in public (for bratting...I know everyone who knows me is so shocked! LOL) one of the male tops watching decided he needed to hold my hands for me, so I didn't get them in the way of the top who was actually spanking me. I have a pretty big mouth and I told that top to let go of my hands...immediately. He did and seemed shocked that I would be so aggressive about it, but it made me very uncomfortable, even though I knew this person wasn't trying to hurt me or purposely make me uncomfortable.

Taking a spanking in a public party room (bare bottom or otherwise) should be the spankee's decision. I wouldn't let anyone talk me into it if I wasn't ready for it. Like Purple Angel, I am not exactly as young as I used to be and my body has certainly seen better days. But I know I am among friends who would never say anything about my body and I would never say anything about theirs.

As for going to a private room to play, this can be tricky for a first timer. Before going to a private room with anyone the first time, you should go find a couple of other bottoms and ask them how this top rates both as a spanker and as a gentleman. Believe me, we bottoms talk and if we come across someone we particularly like, we tell the other girls about him. Likewise, if someone hasn't behaved himself with us, we tell them about that, too. And you should never be afraid to let someone in charge know that someone has been inappropriate with you. You have nothing to be ashamed of, they do.

At a party, you can really let your excitement get the better of you. Keep your wits about you and if your gut tells you "this isn't right" don't be afraid to politely tell someone, "You know, I changed my mind. I think I would rather play some other time". If you want to play with someone privately, but feel squeamish about going to a private room with someone you just met, take along another person, whether it be a man or a woman. No top worth his salt (and who wants to preserve his good reputation in the scene) will mind this. I have done this for newbies many times.

A private scene can be very, very rewarding and fun. You have more time to talk and get to know each other and if your styles are compatible before you play. Plus you don't have the distractions of other people watching, talking, getting up and leaving, etc while you are playing. You can concentrate just on your spanking. And a private session can be a little (or a lot) longer, depending on what you've agreed upon. It's a lot easier to try new toys in private than it is in public, too, just for the fact that you aren't distracted and neither is your spanker.

I don't endorse either type of spanking as better or worse than the other. I'm just saying they are different and both are fun in their own way. I have enjoyed both but I understand people's need to play the way that makes them comfortable. I know tops who will only play in public and bottoms who will only play in private, and vice versa. You have to do what is comfortable for you. There are advantages and disadvantages in both cases.

Either way, we are going to get that delicious spanking we are looking for...right, Purple Angel? :)

Bottom vs. Submissive

Today someone sent me an email asking me "Aren't all spankees by their very nature submissive?"

I had to think about that in my own situation before I answered him. It is not an unreasonable assumption; it's just wrong. I don't like this generalization any more than I do any other generalization about the scene. There are a lot of misconceptions and this is one of them; the worst in my opinion.

It is my opinion that not all people who like to be spanked are submissive. It depends on your need/desire to be pleasing and to give up your power and control to someone else. I know some submissives who really don't like spanking, they just "submit" to it because their Dominant decided they deserved one. Or because it would please him/her greatly. For me, if I am over someone's knee it is because I choose to be there. It is not because someone decided I needed a spanking and it isn't to please anyone else, although I certainly hope spanking me is fun for them. Now, that being said, does that still make me a little bit submissive because I voluntarily went over someone's lap? In some people's opinion that would be a yes. Not in mine. To me, spanking isn't fun unless I'm treated as an equal. Submissives often want the man to be in charge; to "correct"them for their bad behavior, to hold them accountable for it, etc. There is nothing wrong with that. But many times a top doesn't believe a person who says they aren't submissive, but a spankee or a bottom and they treat them like a submissive anyway. Nothing rankles me worse than that. I'm not taking anything away from women or men who want to be submissive. Or from women or men who want to be Dominant. But not every top is dominant and not every bottom is submissive. I firmly believe that.
There is plenty of room for everyone in our scene. But, in my opinion, there is no room for stereotype or generalization. Those who engage in this activity do a grave disservice to the scene.
When I first got into the scene actively, I explored my submissive side. I went to a Dom I knew and trusted and asked him to put me through my paces. This was a person I enjoyed playing with a lot. But he always took his Dom hat off when we played. I wanted to be treated like any other submissive. Before we had our scene, I told him there were three things I would not do: I would not undress for him, there would be no bondage, and I would not submit to anything sexual. But those were my usual limits. Other than that he could expect to be obeyed. He respected the limits I laid out and we had our scene, with the understanding that I could safeword out if it got too intense or yucky for me.
To make a long story short, I hated every minute of it. When we played as equals, we had a great time. When there was a disparity of power, neither of us enjoyed it. I asked him why he didn't have fun even though I all ready knew the answer. He said, "I didn't enjoy dominating you because that's not what you are." In other words, the submissive cupboard is bare. And it wasn't a real intense scene. He didn't require me to kneel at his feet (he knew better than to ask that anyway) or stand in the corner, something I would never do under any circumstances anyway. But I was required to call him "Sir" and to obey his other commands. Now, as I said when we played as equals I always had a great time. When I had to call him "Sir" and obey him, it made me somewhat angry and resentful. All I felt was that he was being bossy and demanding and pushing his weight around. I came, I saw, I went home. That sums up my feelings about exploring my submissive side. It's not what everyone is about. We are all different. To put us all in the same pigeonhole as "submissive" or "dominant" is too clean and easy and perpetuates myths and generalizations.
I am all for people being who and what they are. But don't make me something I'm not just to fit me into your fantasy or your opinion of what a spankee should be. And, believe me, I learned a long time ago, don't be something you're not just so someone will like you and want to play with you. Be true to yourself no matter what category you might fall into.

Toys

Even though I love a spanking with a big, firm hand, I do have my favorite toys. I think a spanking isn't a spanking without that over the knee, bare bottom warm up and progression to the serious toys.
First of all, I love a spanking that starts on clothes and a Top who likes to peel down the layers of clothing till he gets to the "bottom of things". I don't have a fancy spanking wardrobe like some have. I have the clothes in my closet, consisting mainly of jeans and tops, some skirts and a few nice dresses. I do splurge on nice panties, though. :-)
Most of the Tops I have played with absolutely hate spanking on jeans. The material is too tough on their poor, little hands. I have met very few who would humor me and start on jeans and even fewer who actually enjoy spanking on jeans.
Even when I wear a skirt for a certain Top I play with, the first thing he does when he gets me over his knee is lift up the skirt and spank on my panties.
Once the hand spanking is over and the toys come out that is a fun part. Most of the Tops I play with have a considerable amount of their own toys, both homemade and purchased. But I also have my own toy bag, consisting mostly of leather but with some wood. I have a few toys that were gifts from beloved Tops (like the heavy strap that I have finally gotten worn in just where I want it) and the paddle that was given to me by a Top who knows I will never allow anyone to actually paddle me with it, him included. But most of the toys in my bag were made by one person, a kind man who lives in Florida and makes the best leather toys in the galaxy. I also have a wonderful razor strap that I recently purchased and am the proud owner of 2 more canes.
Canes are my favorite toy. Once I was introduced to the exquisite pain of this beautiful instrument, there was no going back. I loved everything about it. The first sharp and painful impact and the second delicious wave of pain I call the "afterburn". Now, I like to be caned hard but not brutally. The cane can be brutal in the wrong hands and you can absolutely cut someone to ribbons if you don't know what you're doing. You can also send someone to heaven if you do it right. I think the cane gets a bad rap in spanking circles. People see the cane and think of angry English schoolmasters or Singaporean justice. This isn't so nor does it have to be. Yes, you can cause damage with the cane, but you can also fall in love for life with it, as I have done. The first person who ever caned me introduced me to it in a very nice way. I got a very nice hand spanking warm up first. Then he showed me his canes. At first, they looked terrifying and I wondered what I was doing agreeing to this. But I was very curious about the cane, as I suspect most newbies are. He very patiently started with light taps to my bottom to get me used to the feel of it. Then he progressed to some harder strokes. I have to admit the swoosh sound it made was very unnerving at first. Now I love that sound. Then he gave me what he called a few "moderate" strokes that took my breath away. But it was then that I felt that wonderful sting and then the delicious afterburn. In my opinion, the cane is the best thing ever invented. I love straps and leather and wood paddles as well, but my favorite toy will always be the cane, at least in the hands of a capable Top. The marks are pretty too and they usually don't last very long. I like a Top who can make "ladder marks" on my bottom. Those are the marks of a skillful caner who knows how to control both aim and intensity. Using the cane correctly and safely takes some practice so if you are interested in using the cane, go to someone practiced in it's use to teach you the safe method of caning. If you are a bottom and are interested in being caned for the first time, my sincere advice is to seek out the people who have a good reputation as an able caner. Ask around your circle of spanking friends. Don't let just anyone use the cane or any toy on you without knowing they have the skill to be using it. Even if the Top's intentions were good and honorable, that still doesn't make getting hurt any less painful.
That's all for now! Everyone have a great night!

Limits

Safety in the scene is one area where I am constantly on my soapbox. I have often been accused of "shattering people's illusions and fantasies" by bringing up safety issues. Well, would you rather have your illusions or be safe? Sometimes, it's literally a matter of life or death. Just read the newspapers.

One way we keep ourselves physically and emotionally safe is with our limits. I speak more of this when playing casually (such as at parties) than when playing with a trusted partner or SO. But they should still honor your limits. Simply stated limits are those things which would make us uncomfortable or frightened or we just plain don't want to do. Limits should always be honored and I always make it part of negotations (another area I will touch on in another post). If the Top you are negotiating with either doesn't take your limits seriously, or worse, laughs at them, run don't walk away from him. If he politely asks if pushing your limits gently is ok, that is a decision you'll have to make. If he tells you that your limits aren't what you think they are or that "no one who plays with me is allowed to have limits", tell him you'll talk to him later...in about a hundred years.
There is absolutely no excuse for exceeding someone's limits. I don't care what someone's reputation is as a Dom or what a "brat" might have done, exceeding someone's limits is grounds for expulsion from most reputable clubs.
There are some Doms out there who believe that when you agree to play with them, you are agreeing to anything they might find amusing, including things you expressed as a limit. Again, this is your decision to make if you want to let someone push or even exceed your limits. I don't let anyone exceed or laugh at my limits, which happen to be reasonable. Most people have reasonable limits. You have the right to have your limits be whatever you want them to be. One of my very hard limits is that I won't stand in the corner; not for anyone. When this limit is expressed, most Tops just say, "Ok, we won't do that". I have had some say, "You'll do whatever you're told." The next thing they usually hear is the door slamming behind me. That's my way of saying "I am not submissive, and even if I were, I am not YOUR submissive and I don't have to do what you tell me". Sometimes it is best to just end things if you and the Top can't find the same page. Some people are just not compatible. I found that out during my first spanking (which I've all ready bored everyone with). Since I'm not submissive it's best I don't play with Doms or Masters, but stick to Tops or at least Doms who don't mind putting the Dom behavior aside for a while to play with me. It's the ones who won't do it and who tell me "you are submissive since you like to be spanked" that I refuse to play wtih. I guess what I'm saying with this is that you should let any person you are going to play with know your limits and make sure that person respects them. If you don't count strokes, say so. If you won't stand in the corner, say so. Whatever your limits are state them matter of factly and don't take no for an answer. Anyone who doesn't respect your limits, doesn't respect you. That is the bottom line.

Thoughts about My First Spanking

Hi Everyone...I said I would get back to my thoughts about my first spanking. I actually hadn't thought about it for quite some time. And I have to admit I haven't played with him since. It's not that he's a bad person or a bad spanker or anything. We just never clicked. I still see him at parties.

I suppose what helped me was that I didn't romanticize either the spanker or the spanking. If I had it might have really made the whole thing a big turn off for me. In my mind, I was conducting an experiment. I had about thirty-five years of fantasizing behind me. I wanted to know if the reality would match my fantasy. It didn't, but at least I found the process somewhat enjoyable and that I was a real spanko. I just found it odd that he didn't talk much. He didn't seem to enjoy it himself. It seemed like he was going through the motions. I think he expected me to be more demonstrative or something, but I had no idea what he expected from me. This was my first spanking. I didn't know how to react or anything, so I didn't. I just kind of laid there and tried not to move too much. It wasn't a total loss. I found out some things that day about spanking and myself. I learned that I was never again going to be uncommunicative with my spanker. If he didn't want to talk, that was too bad, I was going to communicate whether he liked it or not. If I didn't like something I was going to speak up and too bad if he didn't like it. I didn't care if it shattered his illusions about the "fantasy" or not. Some things are more important than that. That's why I always say negotiate, negotiate, negotiate...that way there are no surprises and you don't have to maybe ruin a scene for someone else or yourself by safewording or stopping the spanking.
The first time I dropped my jeans and got over his lap, I said to myself (I might even have said it out loud), "I can't believe I'm doing this." It was as if the first 40 years of my life hadn't existed. There was no time before this. I was reborn in that moment when his hand met my bottom for the first time and I let out that little "oh!" of surprise. Even though this spanking had been somewhat disappointing, I knew there were other men (and women) with other styles and I just had to find the people who fit my style, whatever that was.

Intolerance

I have been thinking for some time now about myself and my views of other people's spanking desires (I hate the word "kink"...it sounds like we all go around wearing trench coats or something). I have tried honestly to accept and be tolerant of the needs and desires of my friends in the scene. And, of course, I would never be judgemental. But, truthfully, I do find some aspects of the scene abhorrent. Does this make me intolerant? Judgemental? Closed minded?
Just because we are all into spanking, doesn't mean we all want the same thing, all like the same things or do the same thing. That would be naive. I have stressed many, many times that I only play for fun. I don't get punished nor do I play for sexual gratification. I only play erotically with someone I'm in a relationship with. I am not casual about my body nor am I casual about sex. Does this mean I am a prude who has no business calling herself a spanko? As I said in another post, I have been trying to find my place in the spanking world.
I have been at parties or chatting with friends and when they mention something I find disturbing or just plain gross, I find myself trying to find the words to politely say "that's nice" while not trying to appear rude or unaccepting. I am not perfect and the mention of certain activities makes me shudder. Like the friend I work with who likes electric play and heavy bondage. Every time he talks about the things he likes, it makes me almost physically sick. Does this make me a horrible friend? Unaccepting? Closed minded? Like I said, I'm not perfect and these little things make me upset with myself at times. But, at the same time, am I not an American with the First Amendment right to free speech? Do I do like my mother told me and just not say anything if I don't have anything nice to say?
Or do we have the right, when someone asks our opinion, to honestly say, "I'm glad you enjoy that. It's not something I would enjoy though" without said person getting his or her feelings hurt over it? Or acting like we are intolerant and unaccepting just because we said we wouldn't like something they do?
On the spanking groups I belong to, we try not to disagree with anyone. We try not to step on anyone's toes. We tell new members that everyone is welcoming and accepting of them. But is that really true? If you belong to spanking groups, have you ever looked at someone's introduction, read their stories or their profiles and thought "YUCK! I think I'll avoid that person"? I mean to each his own, but still....YUCK!
Someone has probably thought the same thing about me. I'm almost sure they have. I don't mean they think what I do is gross. But they probably think I am an unusual person in the scene because I won't get sexual with someone I just met. And, let's face it, there are those out there who want their sex and spanking fix and when they come across someone like me who won't "deliver" the first time we play, I'm sure they shake their head and wonder about me. Does this make them intolerant? Unaccepting? Closed minded?
These are just my thoughts tonight.
I honestly hope I haven't ruffled any feathers with this post. It's just something I've been thinking about for some time.
Thanks for your comments!

First Spanking

I have never forgotten my first ever spanking as an adult. I am willing to bet most other spankos haven't either. To me, it's like your first sexual experience. Even if it was bad, you never forget it. Not that my first spanking was bad, necessarily, it just could have been made more memorable for me.

The man who gave me my first ever scene spanking was a member of one of the groups I belonged to. It turned out he lived very close to me. He was an older man with more experience than I had. That wouldn't be too difficult since I didn't have any! We made plans to meet in my city at a restaurant of my choosing. We met and had coffee. I asked him a million questions about the group and about spanking in general. He looked just like anyone else who was meeting a friend for a cup of coffee. He was very patient with my many questions and he answered them all. I didn't feel ready to actually play, but we made plans to meet again the next week. In my very limited experience, he seemed ok to me.
When we met the next week, I was very nervous. For one thing, we couldn't play at my house, because I had vanilla family members living with me at the time. A dear friend of mine, who knew this about me, agreed to let me use his house while he was at work.
We sat down and talked some more for what seemed like forever. I was still very nervous and it occurred to me that we should be putting each other at ease, but he seemed pretty nervous, too. Then he asked me if I was ready for my spanking.
He pulled a chair to the edge of the couch. Since I was wearing jeans and he didn't want to start on such heavy material, I dropped them and then got over his knee. The couch supported my upper body and I was surprisingly comfortable. But I was shaking from nerves. I couldn't believe I was finally doing this. The spanking began very lightly. The spanks were almost taps. I wanted him to get on with it, but I had no idea this was the warm up, the prelude to the real thing. I was so naive and I didn't even know there was safe and unsafe places to spank. I guess I hadn't done my homework very well.
All the while this man was performing this intimate and much anticipated act, he didn't say a word. Never asked me if I was doing ok. Never asked me if I was still comfortable in this position. I never clicked with him on any level. He was just spanking me. I might as well have been being spanked by a machine.
When he was done with the initial spanking, we took a break and went to lunch. In the restaurant, he asked me not to smoke. It was the first words he had spoken to me since the spanking began.
After lunch, I wasn't exactly revved up for more spanking, but he had driven a considerable distance and I suppose he wanted to get his money's worth. He spanked me some more, exactly the same way, with exactly the same number of words spoken: zero. He finished spanking me, thanked me for a nice time, gave me a perfunctory hug, and left. It was then that I learned a few things about the way I would like to be spanked.
I will post them and my feelings about my first spanking in another blog.
Everyone have a great day!

How I Joined This "Whacky" World

Probably, like many of you, I have been fascinated by spanking since I was a very small child. Of course, at that young age I didn't "like" spanking, but I was fascinated by watching others get spanked, whether it was a schoolmate, one of my friends at home or on television. With that fascination came confusion. Once I hit puberty and my hormones began raging, I was even more confused. Of course, I couldn't talk to my parents or anyone else about it, since there was obviously something wrong with me. And, of course, I was the only person in the world who felt this way. So it was a secret I held for many years.
In high school, when I acquired my first serious boyfriend, I dropped hints. When that didn't work I tried to "brat" him into spanking me. That worked for a time, but I usually had to get him to the boiling point and then, the spanking wasn't the fun thing I wanted it to be. I felt like he spanked me because he was angry; completely exasperated. That certainly wasn't what I wanted. And, of course, after we broke up, I never realized it but we had never openly talked about my spanking desire. It's like neither of us wanted to talk about it. We were just out of high school, we were kids. Kids didn't talk about their feelings. I found out later, of course, that I had been the topic of many a locker room conversation in his gym class. No wonder the other guys looked at me funny! To this day, I don't know if I created a lifetime spanko, or if he just did that to humor me or if he just spanked me because I had driven him to it. We never did talk about it.
As I matured, I tried dropping hints to my boyfriends. Most just didn't get it. When I was in my early 30's I started dating a man who was about 12 or 13 years older than me. I thought surely this sophisticated man would understand my desires and I could tell him about them without embarrassment. I thought he was a "Man of the World" who had been around a lot more than me. Instead of dropping hints with him, I came right and told him I liked to be spanked. I told him this before anything sexual ever occurred between us. I thought my sophisticated older man would be understanding. Instead, he looked horrified, berated me for my "violent fantasies" and finally offered to pay for therapy. We broke up a week later. After the "spanking conversation" he never even tried to touch me. I knew we were going to be incompatible as partners. I moved on, he moved on. I haven't heard from him since.
I dated other men, some of them open-minded some of them not, but none of them were willing to spank me. Finally, in my early 40's I discovered the Shadow Lane video. I am not proud of it, but I discovered a Shadow Lane ad in a copy of Penthouse "Variations". I had no idea that "spanking videos" even existed. I had seen BDSM videos and all they did was curl my hair. There was nothing out there for just spankos, or so I thought. Back then, Shadow Lane didn't have a website, you just sent for the videos through the magazine. Yeah, right. Like that was happening. So I forgot about it for awhile, and went back and hid in the closet, clutching my well-worn copy of "Blue Hawaii".
Arrive the Internet! The spanko's best friend! I got online in about the summer of 2001 (yeah, I know a late bloomer) and I was curious to see what material was on the web about spanking. I typed "spanking" into the search engine and got about 300,000 hits. I was curious to see if Shadow Lane had a website by this time. Of course, they did. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that, not only did they make videos, they hosted spanking parties! Real parties where people go to spank and/or get spanked. I knew I wasn't ready for that, and anyway they were too far away to even think about going.
I knew my city didn't have a spanking group (I wasn't lucky enough to live in New York or California), but I wondered if the nearest largest city might. I typed "spanking clubs" into the search engine and a lot more than Shadow Lane popped up. I soon learned that a lot of the major cities had a spanking scene. However, not many of them were above ground. I learned there was a group who hosted parties within driving distance of me. This blew my mind completely. After all this time, I might actually get to live out this fantasy that I've held for so long.
After lurking on the group's message board for about a week, I finally got up the courage to join. After all, just chatting with anonymous strangers couldn't hurt, could it? I joined two days before Christmas, 2002 and began chatting with the other members. I soon discovered they weren't scary and horrible. They were people just like me. They were lawyers and nurses and insurance salesmen. I was thrilled (but nervous) to learn that there was a party coming up at the end of January. I didn't think I was ready for a party but I made plans to go anyway. I am glad I did. I met some wonderful people there who have become very dear friends of mine. And, of course, I have met a lot of my play partners either through the group or directly at parties.
Even though the party scene isn't for everyone, they are alot of fun and I'm glad I took that first terrifying step to finding people who are like me. I just spent years and years fantasizing and thinking this would never happen, since I couldn't get any of my boyfriends to spank me. Well, I quickly learned a guy doesn't have to be your boyfriend for you to enjoy being spanked by him. What a world! So, this is Cigi's World...I welcome you to it.

Why I Started This Blog

I have wanted to start blogging for some time now. But I was torn between wanting to get my thoughts out there and not wanting a bunch of strangers I didn't know judging me.

The purpose of this blog is...well, I don't know what it is. I suppose it's partly to just write my thoughts about what I call my "spanking thing", how I came to actually let this part of me come out and play and my thoughts on the spanking scene in general. No, not all of it is likable in my opinion and, of course, there are some aspects of it that just "aren't me". And I've learned over the last five years that that's ok. There are as many different reasons to be into spanking as there are people who spank or get spanked.
If you look online or join spanking groups there are a lot of people who are into the "Romance of Discipline", the fantasy aspect of it, and that's ok. There are others who like the punishment, who want to be held accountable to someone who will punish them if they don't behave to certain standards. That's ok, too. I have spent the last five years in the scene trying to figure out where I belong in all this. I certainly don't fit the two categories I mentioned. Nothing would ruin the scene for me more than some man thinking he can boss me around, tell me what to do, and then "punish" me if I get out of line. That's what I had my dad for and, I believe, he raised me pretty well. So that one definitely doesn't fit. As for the "romance" of spanking, well, I don't subscribe to that one, either.
For me, spanking isn't about punishment, sex, purging guilt, or wanting to feel inferior to someone else. For me, spanking is fun. It is just that simple. And I wanted to be able to find someplace to post my thoughts on some of the fun I've had and some of the times I've played where it wasn't so fun. I hope anyone who reads this will post their thoughts.