Bottom vs. Submissive

Today someone sent me an email asking me "Aren't all spankees by their very nature submissive?"

I had to think about that in my own situation before I answered him. It is not an unreasonable assumption; it's just wrong. I don't like this generalization any more than I do any other generalization about the scene. There are a lot of misconceptions and this is one of them; the worst in my opinion.

It is my opinion that not all people who like to be spanked are submissive. It depends on your need/desire to be pleasing and to give up your power and control to someone else. I know some submissives who really don't like spanking, they just "submit" to it because their Dominant decided they deserved one. Or because it would please him/her greatly. For me, if I am over someone's knee it is because I choose to be there. It is not because someone decided I needed a spanking and it isn't to please anyone else, although I certainly hope spanking me is fun for them. Now, that being said, does that still make me a little bit submissive because I voluntarily went over someone's lap? In some people's opinion that would be a yes. Not in mine. To me, spanking isn't fun unless I'm treated as an equal. Submissives often want the man to be in charge; to "correct"them for their bad behavior, to hold them accountable for it, etc. There is nothing wrong with that. But many times a top doesn't believe a person who says they aren't submissive, but a spankee or a bottom and they treat them like a submissive anyway. Nothing rankles me worse than that. I'm not taking anything away from women or men who want to be submissive. Or from women or men who want to be Dominant. But not every top is dominant and not every bottom is submissive. I firmly believe that.
There is plenty of room for everyone in our scene. But, in my opinion, there is no room for stereotype or generalization. Those who engage in this activity do a grave disservice to the scene.
When I first got into the scene actively, I explored my submissive side. I went to a Dom I knew and trusted and asked him to put me through my paces. This was a person I enjoyed playing with a lot. But he always took his Dom hat off when we played. I wanted to be treated like any other submissive. Before we had our scene, I told him there were three things I would not do: I would not undress for him, there would be no bondage, and I would not submit to anything sexual. But those were my usual limits. Other than that he could expect to be obeyed. He respected the limits I laid out and we had our scene, with the understanding that I could safeword out if it got too intense or yucky for me.
To make a long story short, I hated every minute of it. When we played as equals, we had a great time. When there was a disparity of power, neither of us enjoyed it. I asked him why he didn't have fun even though I all ready knew the answer. He said, "I didn't enjoy dominating you because that's not what you are." In other words, the submissive cupboard is bare. And it wasn't a real intense scene. He didn't require me to kneel at his feet (he knew better than to ask that anyway) or stand in the corner, something I would never do under any circumstances anyway. But I was required to call him "Sir" and to obey his other commands. Now, as I said when we played as equals I always had a great time. When I had to call him "Sir" and obey him, it made me somewhat angry and resentful. All I felt was that he was being bossy and demanding and pushing his weight around. I came, I saw, I went home. That sums up my feelings about exploring my submissive side. It's not what everyone is about. We are all different. To put us all in the same pigeonhole as "submissive" or "dominant" is too clean and easy and perpetuates myths and generalizations.
I am all for people being who and what they are. But don't make me something I'm not just to fit me into your fantasy or your opinion of what a spankee should be. And, believe me, I learned a long time ago, don't be something you're not just so someone will like you and want to play with you. Be true to yourself no matter what category you might fall into.