Sunday, October 7, 2007

Finding Spanking Partners

One of the groups I belong to received a message from a frustrated man who lives out west and can't seem to find any spanking partners. I really felt his frustration but I had to wonder how he goes about trying to find people.
The one thing I had to do right from the start was give up my notion that I would find anyone local. I just knew there couldn't be too many people in my city who were into spanking. And those who were were probably staying pretty quiet about it. So I joined a spanking group in the largest city in my state (which happens to be Chicago) and started reading the message board there. I met people at my first party and made contacts. I went to the members list and tried to find interesting people there. This is where an empty profile really can work against you. In the effort to try to remain anonymous, you give no information at all that let's potential play partners know you are even interested. I view people who won't give any information as trolls who are either after the email addresses of women and are just looking for sex, or who are paranoid that giving any information at all will allow vanilla friends, family or co-workers to find out who they are. In order to meet people in this scene, you have to roll the dice and take a few chances. I'm not talking about taking stupid chances and putting yourself at risk. I mean, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and say "I am into spanking and looking for others who are like me."
The Yahoo groups I belong to all have thousands of members. Some look interesting, some I take a pass on. When you find someone who you think fits what you might be looking for, it costs nothing to drop a line and say "I saw your Yahoo profile and thought you sounded interesting. Would it be ok to chat?" If you get a reply, things go from there.
I have the feeling this frustrated spanker has his expectations set a little on the high side. You have to keep your expectations realistic. I mean how many women who look like Samantha Woodley are actually in the scene? Most of us are middle aged and our bodies aren't perfect. If you expect that kind of perfection, join Shadow Lane and see if you have any luck with their video performers.
Another unrealistic expectation is that some people expect a woman to just drop what she's doing and meet someone on a moment's notice. This just isn't going to happen. You should expect to have a few online chats, emails and even phone conversations before someone agrees to meet you and, even then, you shouldn't automatically expect to play. You should expect to meet at a neutral sight for a long conversation about what you both want. If she won't agree to play then, be patient. Make plans to meet again. When a woman sees that you're willing to be patient, it makes all the difference in the world.
I have health issues that severely curtail my driving abilities so whoever wants to play with me has to drive to me, I can't go to them. And I still have no problem finding spanking partners. Now, I grant you, none of them are really what I would call local, but if you want to play you have to be willing to drive some distance, perhaps to another state even. And you have to be willing, as a gentleman, to make concessions for a lady if you want to spank her. For one thing, she will probably want to take her safety into account and have a safe call in place. She may even want another friend in the scene to be present. She may want to play at a neutral sight (such as a friend's house or a hotel) rather than let a complete stranger know where she lives. If you are willing to make a few concessions (even if it inconveniences you a little) you will have better luck finding people than if you make a bunch of unreasonable demands or have unrealistic expectations of what a spankee should be or do. Above all, earn each other's trust and never, ever violate that trust. I speak from personal experience. Once someone violates your trust it is very, very hard to win it back. So just don't go there anyway. Become friends before anything else happens. If you're looking for something romantic and she's just looking for fun spanking partners, then that needs to be addressed, of course. Trust, honesty and respect of self and others is very important to me and I believe it's important to most of us.
I believe another reason this person is having a hard time finding someone to play with is that maybe he's not being entirely truthful about what he's looking for. If you want to find people who are fun to play with and who are on the same page as you are, you are going to have to be honest about what you're looking for.
I remember one time I was going through the members list of a group I belong to with a friend of mine. I came to a certain man who said he enjoyed giving and receiving enemas. I looked at the picture of this clean cut and ordinary-looking man and said, "That's gross!" My friend, much more enlightened perhaps than I, replied, "At least he's being honest about what he's into." She was right.

10 comments:

Erik said...

I agree: one certainly has to take a risk or two.

I've spent most of my life looking for a spanking relationship and have only recently achieved that goal by finding and then marrying a girl who would let me spank her :)

I had to take a risk or two though - and start small. She wasn't a spanko when I met her. A playfull slap whilst messing around was followed by another when she doesn't protest the first. We worked up from there.

It takes time and you have to take that risk.

Erik

Tiberius said...

I always look suspiciously at men who claim they can't find spanking partners. Look, there's absolutelly loads of women out there that want you to spank them...seriously. All you need is patience and don't try to rush.

Look, if a woman is going to lie over your lap and have her bare bum turned red that's can be a threatening thought, so she's going to want to make sure that everything else is non-threatening. Just make her know it's no big deal.

I won't spank a woman until she's 110% happy it's what she want's. Seriously I drove one woman to actually pushing me on the bed and throwing herself across my lap, that was so funny I laughed so much I almost could hardly spank her...almost :)

If you're friendly, approachable, and non-threatening, then women will almost be queuing up to be spanked by you.

Purple Angel said...

I agree that trust is foremost for men or women that are looking for spanking partners. And trust is just not developed in IM conversations that start out with ASL (age sex location). To me this is an indicator that this is not a person interested in me, but in finding a cardboard figure of a human being.

Even when trust is established there is still risk involved for both parties so anyone in a hurry to make this happen will probably find it to be a frustrating prospect.
Hugs,
Purple Angel

Danielle said...

Thanks for this very interesting read.

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