Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Scene Party Etiquette

Hi everyone!
Having just sent my party fee in for the March Crimson Moon party, I think it's a good day to post my feelings about rules and etiquette. Yes, there are rules and yes, there is a certain way to behave at parties.

I think some people come to their first party with very high expectations or just horrible preconceived notions about how the women act and how the men treat them. I've seen people post to groups who say they either didn't have a good time at a party or they didn't play with anyone. I have always been of the opinion that one makes one's own good time. If you have a lousy time at a party, there is usually enough blame to go around.
I have always told newbies that they could email me privately and I will try to answer their questions regarding how to behave, what to wear, etc. Some of the questions have been eye-opening to say the least. One gentleman was surprised when I explained to him, "If you ask someone to play and they say 'no', just accept it gracefully. She might change her mind later if you aren't pushy."
He replied, "Bottoms can say no? I thought they had to play with whoever asked them." I have gotten that response more than I care to. Needless to say, I explained that bottoms at parties can turn down a request to play whenever they like. Can you imagine the shape our bottoms would be in if we had to say "yes" to everyone's offer to play? I doubt I would even go to a party where I was told I had to play with everyone who asked me. I mean, what if their style wasn't the same as mine? What if they turned out to be dangerous?
So, that's the number one rule: no means no, whether it means saying "no" to an offer to play or whether it's to a certain act or toy after a bottom has agreed to play. No means no. It's the thing that gets me up on my soapbox like nothing else.
Secondly, be polite. Don't act like you're in a frat house or a titty bar or treat the women at the party like we're strippers. We aren't. Most of us are ladies who respond to being treated that way.
Make a conscious effort to look your best. I'm not talking about the most expensive clothes or anything. I'm talking about taking time with your appearance, taking the time to look like you care what you look like. Don't dress like a slob and then wonder why most of the people you asked to play with you declined your offer. This is true of both men and women, tops and bottoms. Most people will not play with someone who smells or who's clothes are dirty or who looks like they are wearing the same clothes they slept in. People pay money to attend the parties and the owners go out of their way to give us a nice place to play.
I suppose another thing I would say is don't interrupt when people are playing. No, this isn't like a dungeon where there are monitors and people who's job it is make sure everyone's on their best behavior. Usually when you attend a spanking party, you are put on your honor. Assume if you wouldn't like someone to interject themselves into your scene, they probably wouldn't like it if you did the same to them. The people playing consented to play. Even if it is in public, in full view of everyone, keep your hands (and everything else) to yourself unless you are asked by all participants to join in. Treat people the way you would like to be treated.
By all means, join in conversations and get to know people but don't make a nuisance of yourself and don't act like an expert if you aren't. You can learn a lot more by listening to others. Spanking people are some of the nicest, most accepting people I have ever met and, usually, new people are welcomed with open arms. But there are things you absolutely don't ever do at a party. You don't lie about your experience. If you have never spanked anyone before, say so. No one will laugh at you or make fun of you. Many of the bottoms I know like being someone's first ever spankee. Likewise, if you're never been spanked before, for safety's sake, please make that known. It is very dangerous to lie about your experience or lack of it. And anyway, lack of experience quickly shows and the person you're playing with will resent that you weren't truthful. A Top who's never spanked anyone before needs to be trained and taught proper spanking technique and safe spanking practices. I am a bottom who delights in helping tops learn the safest, most fun way to spank. I have said in several other posts that I value honesty above anything else, in the scene or anywhere else.
Next I would say don't assume. By that, I mean don't assume anything. Don't assume the lady you are going off to play with will do whatever you want just because she agreed to play. Always negotiate with someone, even if you've played with them before. People change and what they found enjoyable at the last party (or even the last time you played) they may not like this time.
And this is most important: do not assume you are going to get lucky or that anything sexual is going to happen. To me, the worst behavior at a party is when anyone (man or woman, top or bottom) meets someone, agrees to play with them and makes sexual demands on them after they were told no one would push them into anything. This is piggish behavior of the rudest order and, in most reputable groups, it's cause for expulsion. If you want sex, bring someone with you for the purpose. Don't expect some stranger at a spanking party to serve your sexual needs. I'm not saying things don't happen in the heat of the moment, but negotiate anything sexual ahead of time. And, certainly, when you are playing with someone for the first time, don't attempt anything sexual. This has happened to me and it's bewildering and makes me very angry.
If you do happen to do something that the bottom construes as a violation of club rules, by all means, own up to it, apologize for it and then NEVER do it again.
When you are cleared by club owners to attend a party, they have put their trust in you that you will behave and follow club rules. I would say 99 times out of 100 everyone has a good time and enjoys a relaxing and fun weekend when going to a spanking party. It takes one person who thinks they are above the rules; one person who thinks the rules don't apply to them; one person who thinks they know more than anyone else to ruin it for everyone.
I'll post more on this subject later because this one ran a little long. Thanks everyone for letting me ramble. I sure hope I didn't sound too negative! LOL

Have a great day everyone!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Lighten Up

I had a nice chat with a gentleman the other night that I thought I'd mention here. This particular gentleman had read my Yahoo profile and had read some of this blog and he was curious about exactly what I meant when I said I play "just for fun".

Oy...you know sometimes I can't understand why people read so much into one little phrase. We aren't discussing the theory of relativity or trying to decipher what a poet means by his words. I mean how difficult can it be to understand the three little words "just for fun"? Why is the concept that someone might play just for the fun of it so hard for some people to grasp?

He was very polite to me (after I put him in his place for asking me questions I regarded as too personal and inappropriate) but like some other people he thought only in terms of discipline or sex when it came to spanking. I am very happy to say that he came away from our chat with a better understanding and appreciation for the "just for fun" spanking.
He still can't understand how a woman who's favorite toy is the cane thinks this is "fun" but to each his own I suppose. I told him the best advice I could give him (or anyone for that matter) would be to lighten up his attitude regarding spanking. It's not always serious and it's not always a learning experience and it's not always about who's in charge...although those things have their place for some people and that's fine.
You can absolutely have a good time without those things. And there's a place for them. I guess what I'm trying to say (and this is the new more positive me talking here) is that I finally got a Dom to understand my point of view. He wasn't just paying it lip service. He wasn't patronizing or condescending. He really understood. I breathed a sigh of relief. Although the thought of just playing for fun, so both people get equal enjoyment, was something he was curious to try. So maybe I'll be lucky enough to help this gentleman see just what "just for fun" really means.
At first, he thought "just for fun" was my cute little euphemism for "just for sex". It was challenging to help him change his attitude from "this is about me" to "this is about both of us". I got a very nice email from this gentleman this morning in which he thanked me for "teaching him a good
I am convinced of his sincerity but I know he is still a Dom who has to be in charge and that's fine with me. But he also sees this from another point of view; one he hadn't necessarily thought of before. And isn't that a learning experience?

Have a great day everyone!