Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Post Party Let Down

First of all, I'm really sorry I haven't written for a while. Having a busy work schedule and (for once) a hectic social life has kept me from blogging as often as I'd like.

Just got back from a spanking party in Chicago. I met a lot of new people and got reconnected with old friends. I even got to play with a Top I hadn't seen for three years. His spanking skills were amazing...just like I remembered them. Playing with him was the highlight of my weekend. I also got to watch my ride give another girl a few strokes with a switch when we stopped at a rest stop. Then, when he was done with her, it was my turn. I was the only one with the guts to drop my pants...don't worry, we made sure we weren't seen. It was so much fun meeting the new people. They are the future of the club so we all want to make sure they have a good time. I was particularly happy to meet Purple Angel at this party, her first. She seemed to have a great time although we really didn't get to talk much. Every time I saw her in the party suite, she had a big smile on her face. She made sure I got a candy cane (an in joke), and she made sure to let me know what a great time she was having. But, like all party weekends, this one went too fast. There just wasn't enough time in the weekend to play with everyone and do all the things I'd planned. But I spent the whole weekend high on endorphins and when the weekend is over and it's time to go back to work, I sometimes find myself feeling a bit let down, almost depressed. This time I landed with a thud; it was a rude awakening to say the least. Even after almost five years of going to spanking parties, I still haven't come across a "cure" for this feeling. Perhaps just playing again helps, or chatting with friends who were there. If anyone knows how to lessen these feelings, please let me know. I'll post more about the party later. Everyone have a great day! :)

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Spanking Videos

What is it about spanking videos that just does it for us? For some, I suppose it's the "I'll show you who's in charge" aspect of it. For some, it's the sexy "I'm doing this because I care" aspect of others. But what about people like me for whom spanking is neither punishment nor a necessary part of our sexuality? What about those of us who just get spanked because it's so much fun? I'm not denying that spanking is sexual for me. But I like to keep the two separated. I don't get spanked so I can function sexually. I can have sex without spanking. So, for me at least, this isn't a fetish in the strictest sense.

It is very hard to find videos that don't offend me on some level. Let me explain that. Some of the punishment videos have unnecessary and gratuitous nudity. I know, I know...in punishment, being naked adds to the humiliation. And let's face it, what guy doesn't like seeing a naked girl? Well, I don't watch videos to enjoy the humiliation of others and I don't watch to see naked girls. I watch to be entertained. The "romantic" videos always have their share of butt plugs, vibrators and digital penetration. I don't watch spanking vids to get my porn fix, either. If I wanted to watch porn, I would simply buy porn.

When I purchase a spanking video I am looking for at least half-way plausible scenarios and well done spanking. I have several videos where I have asked, "Did they just pick someone off the streets and offer them money? This idiot doesn't have the slightest idea what he's doing."

I even have one video that a friend sent me that I can't even watch because the guy doing the "spanking" is just a butcher. During the caning part of the tape, he landed several right across this poor girl's tailbone. I watched it once or twice and it just makes me retch so I don't watch it anymore. So in my opinion it is hard to find videos that completely satisfy. Something is always missing or just a little bit wrong.

I do enjoy Shadow Lane videos. I mean, the ones without the butt plugs, vibrators, digital penetration and "hot girl on girl action". Shadow Lane has shown for about the last twenty years that they care about quality and it always shows in their videos. Eve Howard takes the time to dress her actors and actresses beautifully and make sure the sets are dressed nicely, too. You won't see some cheesy hotel room with shag carpeting in a Shadow Lane video. Even though they concentrate more on the "punishment" aspect of spanking, most of the time they come pretty close to the mark. The people in the videos all seem like they are where they want to be and are having fun.

About five years ago, when I first became active in the scene, I was asked if I would ever do a video. At the time, my answer was an emphatic "No!" I would never want anything out there with me getting spanked that anyone I didn't want to might see. Now, I might change my answer. For many years, in spanking videos all we saw were cute, young, thin co-ed types getting spanked. It was as if the companies were all telling us "If you wear a bigger size and have too many candles on your birthday cake you can forget about playing in the scene. No one wants you!" Now, I have been happy to see a slow change coming about in the spanking video industry. I recently purchased several Shadow Lane videos that featured women who were more, shall we say, representative of the average woman in the scene. They were still young but they were larger women. It shows me that they are trying to tell people "Guess what? You don't have to be cute, thin and 21 to play. Older people and those of us who don't look like Nicole Kidman can find our place in the scene, too."

For me, watching a spanking video helps me get my spanking fix between play dates and parties. It used to be my only outlet before I got active in the scene. It isn't about having something to masturbate with or getting off watching some stud make a poor girl strip naked and then submit to punishment. I just like the sights and sounds of spanking and, when I can't play all the time, spanking videos fill the void.

I would be hard pressed to pick a favorite. The ones I have all have their pluses and minuses. And my tastes have changed over the years. What I really liked to watch five or six years ago, I no longer enjoy. Some I thought were so-so back then are more entertaining now. I think that is good, too. I'd be interested in hearing from some of you about what your favorite spanking video is or if you even think there is a place for them. I just know that spanking videos do fill a void that, fortunately, doesn't have to be filled too often.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Finding Spanking Partners

One of the groups I belong to received a message from a frustrated man who lives out west and can't seem to find any spanking partners. I really felt his frustration but I had to wonder how he goes about trying to find people.
The one thing I had to do right from the start was give up my notion that I would find anyone local. I just knew there couldn't be too many people in my city who were into spanking. And those who were were probably staying pretty quiet about it. So I joined a spanking group in the largest city in my state (which happens to be Chicago) and started reading the message board there. I met people at my first party and made contacts. I went to the members list and tried to find interesting people there. This is where an empty profile really can work against you. In the effort to try to remain anonymous, you give no information at all that let's potential play partners know you are even interested. I view people who won't give any information as trolls who are either after the email addresses of women and are just looking for sex, or who are paranoid that giving any information at all will allow vanilla friends, family or co-workers to find out who they are. In order to meet people in this scene, you have to roll the dice and take a few chances. I'm not talking about taking stupid chances and putting yourself at risk. I mean, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and say "I am into spanking and looking for others who are like me."
The Yahoo groups I belong to all have thousands of members. Some look interesting, some I take a pass on. When you find someone who you think fits what you might be looking for, it costs nothing to drop a line and say "I saw your Yahoo profile and thought you sounded interesting. Would it be ok to chat?" If you get a reply, things go from there.
I have the feeling this frustrated spanker has his expectations set a little on the high side. You have to keep your expectations realistic. I mean how many women who look like Samantha Woodley are actually in the scene? Most of us are middle aged and our bodies aren't perfect. If you expect that kind of perfection, join Shadow Lane and see if you have any luck with their video performers.
Another unrealistic expectation is that some people expect a woman to just drop what she's doing and meet someone on a moment's notice. This just isn't going to happen. You should expect to have a few online chats, emails and even phone conversations before someone agrees to meet you and, even then, you shouldn't automatically expect to play. You should expect to meet at a neutral sight for a long conversation about what you both want. If she won't agree to play then, be patient. Make plans to meet again. When a woman sees that you're willing to be patient, it makes all the difference in the world.
I have health issues that severely curtail my driving abilities so whoever wants to play with me has to drive to me, I can't go to them. And I still have no problem finding spanking partners. Now, I grant you, none of them are really what I would call local, but if you want to play you have to be willing to drive some distance, perhaps to another state even. And you have to be willing, as a gentleman, to make concessions for a lady if you want to spank her. For one thing, she will probably want to take her safety into account and have a safe call in place. She may even want another friend in the scene to be present. She may want to play at a neutral sight (such as a friend's house or a hotel) rather than let a complete stranger know where she lives. If you are willing to make a few concessions (even if it inconveniences you a little) you will have better luck finding people than if you make a bunch of unreasonable demands or have unrealistic expectations of what a spankee should be or do. Above all, earn each other's trust and never, ever violate that trust. I speak from personal experience. Once someone violates your trust it is very, very hard to win it back. So just don't go there anyway. Become friends before anything else happens. If you're looking for something romantic and she's just looking for fun spanking partners, then that needs to be addressed, of course. Trust, honesty and respect of self and others is very important to me and I believe it's important to most of us.
I believe another reason this person is having a hard time finding someone to play with is that maybe he's not being entirely truthful about what he's looking for. If you want to find people who are fun to play with and who are on the same page as you are, you are going to have to be honest about what you're looking for.
I remember one time I was going through the members list of a group I belong to with a friend of mine. I came to a certain man who said he enjoyed giving and receiving enemas. I looked at the picture of this clean cut and ordinary-looking man and said, "That's gross!" My friend, much more enlightened perhaps than I, replied, "At least he's being honest about what he's into." She was right.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

First Party

As I have a spanking party coming up at the end of October that I'm going to, I have been thinking about my party memories a lot.
I have several regular play partners I get together and play with, so it's not like I only get to play at parties. But the party scene is different and I find myself getting very excited about the upcoming party and then that makes me remember past parties even more fondly.
I have met some really wonderful people at these parties. I have also met some really horrible ones. And I've met some people I consider dangerous.
At my first party, I sort of walked around with I'm sure this goofy smile on my face; a look that just screamed "I'm a newbie". Fortunately, there were several women there who took me under their wings and helped me out a great deal. I was introduced to arnica at that first party and, believe me, I needed it. My first party spanking turned out to be as disappointing as my first private spanking. The guy who spanked me was perhaps a poor choice but he paid my party fee so I felt I owed him the honor of being first. That was my first big mistake. He was not only a Dom, but a master. Someone who was used to women kneeling at his feet and calling him "Master". He knew I wasn't submissive and I wouldn't be doing that but he did tell me, "When you're ready for your spanking come and ask me for it."
I looked him right in the face and said, "Yeah, right."
I think that was a mistake, to roll my eyes at him and say something sarcastic. I had no idea how seriously this guy took his role as Master. But I found out. I watched a few girls getting spanked publicly and I couldn't stand it anymore. I found him in another room and I walked up to him and said, "Are you ready to spank me?" I think he expected me to say something like, "Oh Sir, will you kindly spank me now?" or something like that. I don't think he appreciated how casually I took this. The first thing he did was make sure I was comfortable over his lap, which was monumental. The guy was huge; about 6'4" and about 230 lbs. I couldn't believe I was letting this behemoth spank me. The spanking began on my jeans. Since it was January I was perhaps excused, as keeping warm was more important than easy access to my bottom. The spanking began with a pretty nice warm up, but I think he was just lulling me into a false sense of security. Once he asked me to take my jeans down, all bets were off. Those first few parties, I wore panties with a thong underneath to preserve my modesty. He asked if he could take down my thong, saying "your bottom's not completely bare if you're still wearing a thong". I told him, "My bottom is bare enough for what you need it for. The thong stays where it is." I believe what followed was "punishment", first for not asking for my spanking in a more demure manner and secondly for refusing to let him take my thong down. To use spanking party jargon, he "toasted" me; that is he caused enough damage that I would need to "rest" for about two hours before I could play again. He spanked my thighs as hard as he spanked my bottom and I had to "yellow" him several times. He gave me a spanking befitting his massive size and strength.This all took place in public and no one chided him for spanking me the way he did until it was over. I had no idea but the President of the club and a few board members were watching. They disliked this guy to begin with and I think now they disliked him even more. I never saw him at another party. I couldn't articulate my feelings then, but now I think he was simply showing off for his audience, showing them what he did to newbies who didn't act submissive enough.
To make up for that horrible first spanking (after which a couple of the women took me to a room and introduced me to arnica, which really works by the way), one of the men told me, "When you're done resting come and find me and I'll show you how he should have really spanked you."
When I was done resting I did indeed seek this man out, and he introduced me to the delights of the "sensuous" spanking. Now I'm not talking about sexual or erotic, I mean just a nice "sensation" spanking where I learned about all the sensations of spanking. I learned I loved leather and I got my first caning at this party. I have loved the cane ever since. So the good at this party far outweighed the bad. I don't know if he never came to another party out of choice or he was asked not to come back, but whatever the reason, he hasn't been back. I always tell new girls to pick their first party spanker with care. This is true even if you've been playing for a while but this is your first party. That first spanker can (and often does) influence greatly how you feel about parties. I sight my own experience as an example of how NOT to pick that first spanker. Luckily, he didn't ruin the party scene for me. And, even luckier, a real gentleman came along and showed me how it should really be done. I will always thank this man for this. A girl's first party is very important. No matter how many years pass, I still remember most of it like it was yesterday, a sign that fun was had despite how horrible my first spanking had been.
I liken that first party to a smorgasbord. I wanted to try a little of everything and I did. I found out alot about what I liked and didn't like, with both toys and tops.
While I have never been as nervous and excited as I was for that first party, I still get giddy and excited a few weeks before a party, wondering who is going to be there and who I'll play with. Spanking parties are about so much more than spanking, though. Much conversation is had as we can talk openly about it with like minded people. I enjoy the fellowship and camaraderie almost as much as I enjoy the spanking.
I'm getting really excited about this party! :)

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Public or Private?

My friend, Purple Angel, is going to her first spanking party at the end of the month. I am so happy and excited for her because I remember my first spanking party, in January, 2003. It seems like yesterday to me. I can't believe it's been almost five years!

She brought up a good point about being spanked in public (in the party room with people watching) vs. being spanked in private, that is in either hers or his private hotel room.

There are other factors to consider rather than just being seen bare bottomed by a roomful of people vs. being seen by just the person spanking you. I'll address those later.

For me, getting spanked in the public party room is a hoot; great fun for everyone. I am sort of a show off and great big ham. I love nothing better than taking a spanking in front of these people, most of whom I've been playing with for years. They have all seen my bottom bare many, many times and I have never been embarrassed to have my bare bottom seen.

A public spanking is fun for everyone, the participants and the observers. There are rules for watching someone get a spanking in public. They are not allowed to "coach" the spanker or become involved with the spanking itself or otherwise put their hands (or anything else) on the spankee. One time, when I was taking a rather intense bare bottom spanking in public (for bratting...I know everyone who knows me is so shocked! LOL) one of the male tops watching decided he needed to hold my hands for me, so I didn't get them in the way of the top who was actually spanking me. I have a pretty big mouth and I told that top to let go of my hands...immediately. He did and seemed shocked that I would be so aggressive about it, but it made me very uncomfortable, even though I knew this person wasn't trying to hurt me or purposely make me uncomfortable.

Taking a spanking in a public party room (bare bottom or otherwise) should be the spankee's decision. I wouldn't let anyone talk me into it if I wasn't ready for it. Like Purple Angel, I am not exactly as young as I used to be and my body has certainly seen better days. But I know I am among friends who would never say anything about my body and I would never say anything about theirs.

As for going to a private room to play, this can be tricky for a first timer. Before going to a private room with anyone the first time, you should go find a couple of other bottoms and ask them how this top rates both as a spanker and as a gentleman. Believe me, we bottoms talk and if we come across someone we particularly like, we tell the other girls about him. Likewise, if someone hasn't behaved himself with us, we tell them about that, too. And you should never be afraid to let someone in charge know that someone has been inappropriate with you. You have nothing to be ashamed of, they do.

At a party, you can really let your excitement get the better of you. Keep your wits about you and if your gut tells you "this isn't right" don't be afraid to politely tell someone, "You know, I changed my mind. I think I would rather play some other time". If you want to play with someone privately, but feel squeamish about going to a private room with someone you just met, take along another person, whether it be a man or a woman. No top worth his salt (and who wants to preserve his good reputation in the scene) will mind this. I have done this for newbies many times.

A private scene can be very, very rewarding and fun. You have more time to talk and get to know each other and if your styles are compatible before you play. Plus you don't have the distractions of other people watching, talking, getting up and leaving, etc while you are playing. You can concentrate just on your spanking. And a private session can be a little (or a lot) longer, depending on what you've agreed upon. It's a lot easier to try new toys in private than it is in public, too, just for the fact that you aren't distracted and neither is your spanker.

I don't endorse either type of spanking as better or worse than the other. I'm just saying they are different and both are fun in their own way. I have enjoyed both but I understand people's need to play the way that makes them comfortable. I know tops who will only play in public and bottoms who will only play in private, and vice versa. You have to do what is comfortable for you. There are advantages and disadvantages in both cases.

Either way, we are going to get that delicious spanking we are looking for...right, Purple Angel? :)

Bottom vs. Submissive

Today someone sent me an email asking me "Aren't all spankees by their very nature submissive?"

I had to think about that in my own situation before I answered him. It is not an unreasonable assumption; it's just wrong. I don't like this generalization any more than I do any other generalization about the scene. There are a lot of misconceptions and this is one of them; the worst in my opinion.

It is my opinion that not all people who like to be spanked are submissive. It depends on your need/desire to be pleasing and to give up your power and control to someone else. I know some submissives who really don't like spanking, they just "submit" to it because their Dominant decided they deserved one. Or because it would please him/her greatly. For me, if I am over someone's knee it is because I choose to be there. It is not because someone decided I needed a spanking and it isn't to please anyone else, although I certainly hope spanking me is fun for them. Now, that being said, does that still make me a little bit submissive because I voluntarily went over someone's lap? In some people's opinion that would be a yes. Not in mine. To me, spanking isn't fun unless I'm treated as an equal. Submissives often want the man to be in charge; to "correct"them for their bad behavior, to hold them accountable for it, etc. There is nothing wrong with that. But many times a top doesn't believe a person who says they aren't submissive, but a spankee or a bottom and they treat them like a submissive anyway. Nothing rankles me worse than that. I'm not taking anything away from women or men who want to be submissive. Or from women or men who want to be Dominant. But not every top is dominant and not every bottom is submissive. I firmly believe that.
There is plenty of room for everyone in our scene. But, in my opinion, there is no room for stereotype or generalization. Those who engage in this activity do a grave disservice to the scene.
When I first got into the scene actively, I explored my submissive side. I went to a Dom I knew and trusted and asked him to put me through my paces. This was a person I enjoyed playing with a lot. But he always took his Dom hat off when we played. I wanted to be treated like any other submissive. Before we had our scene, I told him there were three things I would not do: I would not undress for him, there would be no bondage, and I would not submit to anything sexual. But those were my usual limits. Other than that he could expect to be obeyed. He respected the limits I laid out and we had our scene, with the understanding that I could safeword out if it got too intense or yucky for me.
To make a long story short, I hated every minute of it. When we played as equals, we had a great time. When there was a disparity of power, neither of us enjoyed it. I asked him why he didn't have fun even though I all ready knew the answer. He said, "I didn't enjoy dominating you because that's not what you are." In other words, the submissive cupboard is bare. And it wasn't a real intense scene. He didn't require me to kneel at his feet (he knew better than to ask that anyway) or stand in the corner, something I would never do under any circumstances anyway. But I was required to call him "Sir" and to obey his other commands. Now, as I said when we played as equals I always had a great time. When I had to call him "Sir" and obey him, it made me somewhat angry and resentful. All I felt was that he was being bossy and demanding and pushing his weight around. I came, I saw, I went home. That sums up my feelings about exploring my submissive side. It's not what everyone is about. We are all different. To put us all in the same pigeonhole as "submissive" or "dominant" is too clean and easy and perpetuates myths and generalizations.
I am all for people being who and what they are. But don't make me something I'm not just to fit me into your fantasy or your opinion of what a spankee should be. And, believe me, I learned a long time ago, don't be something you're not just so someone will like you and want to play with you. Be true to yourself no matter what category you might fall into.