Scene Party Etiquette

Hi everyone!
Having just sent my party fee in for the March Crimson Moon party, I think it's a good day to post my feelings about rules and etiquette. Yes, there are rules and yes, there is a certain way to behave at parties.

I think some people come to their first party with very high expectations or just horrible preconceived notions about how the women act and how the men treat them. I've seen people post to groups who say they either didn't have a good time at a party or they didn't play with anyone. I have always been of the opinion that one makes one's own good time. If you have a lousy time at a party, there is usually enough blame to go around.
I have always told newbies that they could email me privately and I will try to answer their questions regarding how to behave, what to wear, etc. Some of the questions have been eye-opening to say the least. One gentleman was surprised when I explained to him, "If you ask someone to play and they say 'no', just accept it gracefully. She might change her mind later if you aren't pushy."
He replied, "Bottoms can say no? I thought they had to play with whoever asked them." I have gotten that response more than I care to. Needless to say, I explained that bottoms at parties can turn down a request to play whenever they like. Can you imagine the shape our bottoms would be in if we had to say "yes" to everyone's offer to play? I doubt I would even go to a party where I was told I had to play with everyone who asked me. I mean, what if their style wasn't the same as mine? What if they turned out to be dangerous?
So, that's the number one rule: no means no, whether it means saying "no" to an offer to play or whether it's to a certain act or toy after a bottom has agreed to play. No means no. It's the thing that gets me up on my soapbox like nothing else.
Secondly, be polite. Don't act like you're in a frat house or a titty bar or treat the women at the party like we're strippers. We aren't. Most of us are ladies who respond to being treated that way.
Make a conscious effort to look your best. I'm not talking about the most expensive clothes or anything. I'm talking about taking time with your appearance, taking the time to look like you care what you look like. Don't dress like a slob and then wonder why most of the people you asked to play with you declined your offer. This is true of both men and women, tops and bottoms. Most people will not play with someone who smells or who's clothes are dirty or who looks like they are wearing the same clothes they slept in. People pay money to attend the parties and the owners go out of their way to give us a nice place to play.
I suppose another thing I would say is don't interrupt when people are playing. No, this isn't like a dungeon where there are monitors and people who's job it is make sure everyone's on their best behavior. Usually when you attend a spanking party, you are put on your honor. Assume if you wouldn't like someone to interject themselves into your scene, they probably wouldn't like it if you did the same to them. The people playing consented to play. Even if it is in public, in full view of everyone, keep your hands (and everything else) to yourself unless you are asked by all participants to join in. Treat people the way you would like to be treated.
By all means, join in conversations and get to know people but don't make a nuisance of yourself and don't act like an expert if you aren't. You can learn a lot more by listening to others. Spanking people are some of the nicest, most accepting people I have ever met and, usually, new people are welcomed with open arms. But there are things you absolutely don't ever do at a party. You don't lie about your experience. If you have never spanked anyone before, say so. No one will laugh at you or make fun of you. Many of the bottoms I know like being someone's first ever spankee. Likewise, if you're never been spanked before, for safety's sake, please make that known. It is very dangerous to lie about your experience or lack of it. And anyway, lack of experience quickly shows and the person you're playing with will resent that you weren't truthful. A Top who's never spanked anyone before needs to be trained and taught proper spanking technique and safe spanking practices. I am a bottom who delights in helping tops learn the safest, most fun way to spank. I have said in several other posts that I value honesty above anything else, in the scene or anywhere else.
Next I would say don't assume. By that, I mean don't assume anything. Don't assume the lady you are going off to play with will do whatever you want just because she agreed to play. Always negotiate with someone, even if you've played with them before. People change and what they found enjoyable at the last party (or even the last time you played) they may not like this time.
And this is most important: do not assume you are going to get lucky or that anything sexual is going to happen. To me, the worst behavior at a party is when anyone (man or woman, top or bottom) meets someone, agrees to play with them and makes sexual demands on them after they were told no one would push them into anything. This is piggish behavior of the rudest order and, in most reputable groups, it's cause for expulsion. If you want sex, bring someone with you for the purpose. Don't expect some stranger at a spanking party to serve your sexual needs. I'm not saying things don't happen in the heat of the moment, but negotiate anything sexual ahead of time. And, certainly, when you are playing with someone for the first time, don't attempt anything sexual. This has happened to me and it's bewildering and makes me very angry.
If you do happen to do something that the bottom construes as a violation of club rules, by all means, own up to it, apologize for it and then NEVER do it again.
When you are cleared by club owners to attend a party, they have put their trust in you that you will behave and follow club rules. I would say 99 times out of 100 everyone has a good time and enjoys a relaxing and fun weekend when going to a spanking party. It takes one person who thinks they are above the rules; one person who thinks the rules don't apply to them; one person who thinks they know more than anyone else to ruin it for everyone.
I'll post more on this subject later because this one ran a little long. Thanks everyone for letting me ramble. I sure hope I didn't sound too negative! LOL

Have a great day everyone!

Lighten Up

I had a nice chat with a gentleman the other night that I thought I'd mention here. This particular gentleman had read my Yahoo profile and had read some of this blog and he was curious about exactly what I meant when I said I play "just for fun".

Oy...you know sometimes I can't understand why people read so much into one little phrase. We aren't discussing the theory of relativity or trying to decipher what a poet means by his words. I mean how difficult can it be to understand the three little words "just for fun"? Why is the concept that someone might play just for the fun of it so hard for some people to grasp?

He was very polite to me (after I put him in his place for asking me questions I regarded as too personal and inappropriate) but like some other people he thought only in terms of discipline or sex when it came to spanking. I am very happy to say that he came away from our chat with a better understanding and appreciation for the "just for fun" spanking.
He still can't understand how a woman who's favorite toy is the cane thinks this is "fun" but to each his own I suppose. I told him the best advice I could give him (or anyone for that matter) would be to lighten up his attitude regarding spanking. It's not always serious and it's not always a learning experience and it's not always about who's in charge...although those things have their place for some people and that's fine.
You can absolutely have a good time without those things. And there's a place for them. I guess what I'm trying to say (and this is the new more positive me talking here) is that I finally got a Dom to understand my point of view. He wasn't just paying it lip service. He wasn't patronizing or condescending. He really understood. I breathed a sigh of relief. Although the thought of just playing for fun, so both people get equal enjoyment, was something he was curious to try. So maybe I'll be lucky enough to help this gentleman see just what "just for fun" really means.
At first, he thought "just for fun" was my cute little euphemism for "just for sex". It was challenging to help him change his attitude from "this is about me" to "this is about both of us". I got a very nice email from this gentleman this morning in which he thanked me for "teaching him a good
lesson".
I am convinced of his sincerity but I know he is still a Dom who has to be in charge and that's fine with me. But he also sees this from another point of view; one he hadn't necessarily thought of before. And isn't that a learning experience?

Have a great day everyone!

Happy New Year's Resolutions

I can't believe another year has gone by. Where does the time go? I guess it's like my father always told me, it's a sign of age when the years start going by fast.

I had been going through my posts on this blog and one thing struck me above all others: I can't believe how negative some of my posts sound. The people who read this must wonder why I am in the scene at all since it seems like I get no enjoyment out of spanking. This isn't true in the least but I couldn't blame anyone for feeling that way. So one of my New Year's resolutions is going to be to find something positive to post about more often. I think it's human nature that we often study the negative more than the positive. And there is so much to be positive about with the spanking scene. I have met so many new people this past year, people who are enthusiastic about being in the scene. I admit that at times I am ambivalent about it. Then it takes meeting a new spanking friend or going to a really fun party to snap me out of it. But with the advent of the Internet, people are meeting and getting active in the scene where before they might have just left it a fantasy. I just wish the Internet had come along when I was 21 or so. Imagine the fun we would have had if it had come along sooner?
So one of my resolutions is going to be to find positive things to post about more often. I was going to say every day, but I think when making resolutions one should be realistic.
So look forward to seeing more positive posts from me in the near future. I am very sorry it's been a month since I last posted. I have been very busy (I work retail and this time of year is very busy) but I promise not to neglect my blog so badly.
I have another birthday coming up (it's on New Year's Eve so you can imagine I have had some fun birthdays!) and I am so very glad to be here to celebrate another one.
I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and I wish you all a very Happy and Healthy New Year!

Love,
Cigi

What I'm Thankful For

Just wanted to take a moment today to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for this year (and every year) and you can bet I won't forget to go to The Source and say a sincere "Thank you" for everything I have.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I liked Christmas when the season started the day after Thanksgiving, not before Halloween. I think I liked Christmas a lot better before "door buster" and "early bird" sales that required me to get out of bed on a cold morning at an ungodly hour. So Thanksgiving, with it's connections to family and friends (not to mention food) has always been my favorite.
This year I do have a lot to be thankful for. My home, my family and friends, living another year to celebrate Thanksgiving. But I also have my spanking friends to be thankful for. Without you, I would never be able to take this fantastic voyage of discovery. A mere five years ago, I still thought I would never get to indulge this side of myself. I thought spanking was something I was destined to always just fantasize about; that I would never know the thrill of being over someone's knee, with my panties down, getting that spanking I so desperately wanted.
So I wanted to take a moment to say a sincere and heartfelt "Thank You" to anyone who might be reading this who has supported me, helped me or spanked me throughout the last five years. I have learned so much and I am so very thankful to all of you.
Thanks to you I have lived what I only dreamed about before. You have brought me happiness and I hope I have returned the favor.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

When It's Over

If I have learned anything since becoming active in the scene, it's that we are first and foremost, people. Before we are anything else, we are human beings. Misunderstandings still occur and feelings can still be hurt, no matter how much two people might like each other or how long they have known each other.
Recently, one of the very first Tops I ever met in the spanking scene, ended our friendship. I am still confused and hurt over this and I am still trying to figure out why this happened.
He has always been a little bit of a diva. Appearances were everything and it always had to be about him. We played on his schedule, when it was convenient for him, or when the whim struck him. I wouldn't hear from him for weeks and then poof! He would get the itch to play and just expect me to be available. If my work schedule didn't allow that, he would pout for a few weeks and then I wouldn't hear from him again until he got over it. Now, when we did get together to play, he pampered me beyond belief with dinners or lunches and chocolate. Once he bought me a new keyboard for my computer for my birthday because I didn't have the money for it and he missed our chats. And he had some lovely toys that I absolutely loved.
Lately, however, I was noticing a change in his behavior. He had suggested getting together for my birthday (which is on New Year's Eve) but I had told him I had no idea what my work schedule would be. Granted, it took me a few days to answer his email. Everyone who knows me knows if they write me they can expect to wait a few days for an answer. It's not me being rude, it's just that every day I can receive between 100 and 150 emails and I have to sort through them. If I get a day behind, which is usually what happens, then it takes even longer for me to respond. But he wrote me a few days later accusing me of ignoring his email and his generous offer. I wrote him back that he has known me for almost five years and he knows how long it takes for me to go through my emails. I wasn't ignoring his email but I didn't yet have an answer for him. Now, let me clarify that we had a spanking thing going on. We were never romantically involved, and he certainly wasn't my Dom. We were friends who enjoyed getting together for play. Well, when I wrote him again and told him I had no idea what my schedule would be since it was about two months away, imagine my shock when he said a bunch of mean things about me and then had the audacity to tell me "don't contact me again". I would write him back just to get the last word but I know he would just delete the email without reading it, so why bother? This last email just confirmed in my mind what I had really always known: he hadn't really taken the time to get to know me. I was just a bottom for him to spank when the urge hit.
So, when it's over what do you do? You go out there and find someone else to play with. Even though my feelings are hurt and I am afraid of being hurt like this again, you still have to take that chance. But I will approach this all differently from now on and I will take the time to really get to know the people I currently play with. If he just wanted a bottom to spank why didn't he just get a blow up doll or something? That way, she could be available all the time and he wouldn't feel obligated to buy her dinner or anything.
So lesson learned: even after five years, how much to do you really know someone? You only know what someone lets you find out. I always knew this man was not the same person I was. For one thing, he was always throwing his college education in my face. Not in a mean way, but he just always made sure I knew he had two degrees and a better job than I had. In fact, everything he had was better than what I had. In his mind, that made him a better person than me.
I know I should be very sad that he is no longer in my life, but I have to say it was almost a blessing. He could no longer hide his superior attitude and I could no longer hide how much it hurt my feelings. We were just bound to drift apart.
That's why I always say be honest about what your needs are. If he had told me "I only play when the mood hits me. I'm not a 24/7 spanko" it would have made a difference. I probably would have still gotten together with him, but I wouldn't have invested five years in a friendship with him. I just wish it hadn't taken five years for me to realize I wasn't his type of bottom and he wasn't really what I was looking for in a top. But I thought we were more than just a bottom and a top. I thought we were friends and we probably were. I just didn't see that he was looking to end his friendship with me (probably because he either found someone closer to home or more his "speed") and he would use any excuse to do it.
So when it's over don't be afraid to get back out there and meet new people. I am having a lot of fun looking for new people to play with. Life marches on so don't waste one precious day of it having regrets or being sorry. Take your memories with you when you leave and remember them fondly, but whatever else you do, please move on. I know he has.

"Bad Little Girl" (and other nonsense)

I was going through some old emails the other day (I printed out every email I ever received in my early days in the scene) and one phrase permeates a few of them: "bad little girl". In those early days, I would blush at the thought that an over 40 woman could be a "little girl" of any kind, much less a bad one. Now, when I see that phrase, it really makes me angry. I think the phrase angers me so much because of the punishment conotations; someone decided for me that they were in charge and would decide when I was a "bad little girl" in need of a spanking. At first, when someone would post a message to one of the groups I belonged to saying I was a "bad little girl", I would just protest and proclaim I was an angel. Now, the phrase rankles me to the point where it is almost an insult especially if the guy doesn't know "me", but simply my reputation as a brat. Now, when I'm playing I don't mind being called "young lady" or "Missy" or something, but I hate anything that starts with the adjective "little"; "little girl" or "little one" anger me. And I hate it when someone asks me, while playing, "Is this what bad little girls get?" or some other such nonsense. I have nothing against those who like those little scoldings, but if you're a Top ask if this is a desire or not. There are those of us out there who don't like it. This is usually coming from someone who wouldn't spank a real life "bad little girl" because he doesn't believe in spanking children. Well, if you don't believe in spanking children (for whatever reason) why are you spanking me and calling me a "bad little girl"? I can't explain it but as soon as I hear "bad little girl" or some version of it, the scene is usually ruined for me. I have told the people I play with that I just get spanked for fun. I am not a "bad little girl" and I don't get spanked for punishment. Most have been understanding. But there are still a few who persist in believing a 40+ year old woman can somehow be a "bad little girl". Now, I don't know about anyone else, but I don't have an inner child who needs to be spanked, nurtured, held accountable, or punished for being "bad". I am a grown woman and I demand to be treated that way, even when I'm over someone's knee getting a spanking. Another thing I think is absolutely ridiculous is standing in the corner. I will not do it for anyone. Now, as I always say, I have nothing against those who enjoy this, but for me, it's just too humiliating and would ruin what might otherwise be a very fun scene. Just another case of "different strokes for different folks". What I might find horrible and humiliating, another bottom might find fun. In fact, I know many bottoms who enjoy corner standing. I am just not one of them. In fact, I am not a fan of any behavior where a man has decided he's in charge and I will just do what he says. If, while we're playing, he scolds me by saying, "You've been a very naughty girl and now I have to spank you to help you remember not to be naughty", he will be met by a very loud "YAWNNNNNN". That tells him to go a different direction. Play should always be fun for both participants. If only one person is having fun it's time to speak up and I have no problem with that. Keep it fun and I can play all day! :)

Spanking: Male vs. Female

Having just returned from a very fun party, there are a few things about the spankings I received last weekend that have stuck in my mind.

When I went to my first party, in fact my first few parties, I swore I would never enjoy being spanked by another woman. I naively thought if people knew I played with women they would think I was a lesbian. I had a lot to learn.

I discovered at about my fourth party that I enjoy being spanked by women. For one thing, after a day of getting pummelled by big, strong male Tops, it was nice to get a nice, relaxing spanking from a woman. Not that women can't or don't spank hard; they do. But I have yet to come across a woman who can spank as hard as a man. I'm sure they are out of there, but that is not the reason I play with women.

In my experience, women tend to be more nurturing and "motherly", especially when spanking another woman. They are more apt to offer aftercare and want you to stay around and talk afterwards. I love having "girl talk" while my favorite female top spanks me.

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a spanking from a strong man the best. But I enjoy spankings from women for other reasons. A spanking from a woman has different sensations than the spanking a man might give you. For one thing, women usually have smaller hands, which makes for a different feel. Even toys have a different sensation when used by women vs. men. So now, I have no problem accepting that offer to play from a woman. I remember the first time a woman turned me over her knee. The sensation of being over a woman's knee was new and unfamiliar. But she was patient with me and I could tell she was used to being in charge. She didn't skimp on the warm up and she unloaded her entire toy bag on me, buggy whip and all. At first I was afraid of this instrument. But the sting was delightful and the marks it left were very pretty. The same toy in a man's hands feels very different. I will never forget that woman for introducing me (in the most wonderful way possible) to being spanked by another woman. There was nothing sexual about it and no one accused me of being a lesbian. Those were misconceptions I had in my own mind. Ones that I had to disabuse myself of. So, I still love spanking from men the best, but there are a few women who, if they ask me to play, I don't turn them down. On Saturday night, just as I was beginning to get sleepy, my favorite female top asked me to play. It was perfect timing as I was getting ready to head to bed. She gave me the most wonderful spanking and sent me off to bed with a glowing, warm bottom. We talked for about an hour after we were done playing. Just talking about everything...spanking, life, religion, etc. She is a wonderful friend and a good spanker. Although spanking by another woman isn't everyone's cup of tea, I am not sorry I decided to "go there". I think when we start out on this journey, we all have something that is taboo; something we say we will absolutely never do. Getting spanked by another woman was mine. And I had decided for stupid reasons that this wasn't going to happen. I let my own misconceptions and preconceived notions keep from me from enjoying something that has been very satisfying for me emotionally. I'm not advocating doing something you know would be damaging to you emotionally or physically and I'm not suggesting that someone "talked me into" doing this thing I said I would never do. It's just that curiosity got the best of me and I'm very glad it did.